I often feel like there are two different parts of me, one that knows the truth about what's in my highest good, and one that knows exactly what to say to keep me safe and small. For illustrative purposes, let's call my truth Gracie and my protector Vivian. These two are fighting for my attention like Mayweather and Pacquiao. As brutally, but not as gracefully as championship boxers. More like a slap fight between self-trust and self-protection.
Let me introduce you to these two elements of my psyche.
Vivian is so smart, she knows exactly what to say to keep me in my place. Vivian yells at me a lot during the day and quite honestly, she's a bit of a bully. She is very well versed in excuses that make a lot of sense like "I'm not going to practice yoga today because my body is tired, and I really should listen to my body, I can practice tomorrow." She also bullies me into thinking that everyone else, and I really mean everyone from my father to the clerk at the grocery store, knows better than I do about what I should do with my energy and life. She wants validation and is pretty risk averse. She wants me to play it safe. She's afraid of being judged and wants everyone to think I'm pretty awesome. She cares a lot about what other people think. Vivian loves me deeply but rules through fear and worry.
Gracie is annoyed by Vivian, but she just smiles and keeps her mouth shut until I am ready to pay attention to her. She doesn't scream, in fact, she whispers quietly and she will wait for me to be grounded and calm and then will drop a major revelation like "you need to trust me more, you won't be truly happy until you do." She directs me to take big risks, to live with my whole heart, and to feel excitement/fear and take action anyway. She's fierce. She's patient. I wish she was louder and more forceful, but that's just not her way. She rules through love, and waits for me to be in that state before she'll shower me in affection and guide me to where I need to be. Pure love.
Gracie and I know that I need to live my life in a BIG way. Because Gracie is so powerful and has strong opinions, I've always been a little afraid that if I really let her loose, that I would alienate people and then there would be people who didn't like me. (Gasp!) Sometimes in the quiet back alleys of my subconscious, I have the deep desire to have everyone's approval. Gracie tells me that if I'm living my truth, there will be people who won't like it, people who will be intimidated and afraid of my bright light. She also giggles and tells me that lions do not suffer the opinions of sheep. She keeps telling me that I'm getting closer to my truth, but I'm not quite there yet...more work to do.
Over the past two weeks, I've really been experiencing these two battling for my attention. Gracie is winning this time around though, because I know she really gets me. I know that things are changing for me for the better right now, but that I am going to have to get uncomfortable and face my fear of being worthy in order to really live my life the way I encourage my clients to. I am going to have to let go of the idea that other people know better than I do. I am going to have to trust her.
Trusting ourselves is one of the most spiritual and liberating things we can do for our own growth. There are times when self-trust feels a lot like loneliness and isolation until we can see that our decisions are beginning to reap the rewards we desire. This leap of faith is one of the ways we live our lives full-throttle. If I skip forward and imagine my life even 6 months from now, I know that this decision is absolutely essential for my success.
I love Vivian for trying to keep me safe. I know she wants what's best for me in her own way. She wants me to be ok. Gracie is my hero, though, as she knows that in order to serve those who need me in this lifetime, I am going to have to do my own work first. Trust yourself Katie Hill.
As my homegirl and truth seeker Anais Nin said, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom." I'm ready to Blossom...